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"Cola Makes a Toast"
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Troupe players include (left to right): Elva MacAskil, Beathog nic
Dhonnchaidh, Domhnall mac Pharlain, Eabha inghean Domhnaill,
Tighearnán Cearrbhach Ó Faoláin, Siobhan na bhFeadh and
Frédéric de Cherbourg (far right)
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Click on a thumbnail to see a full-sized photo
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Scenario.
Cola and troupe. Cola, the oldest man in the barony, is asked to make a
toast at the feast held in celebration of the 26th anniversary of the Barony
of Lyondemere.
[Two chairs are in place, center stage; there is a pillow on one of the
chairs; Baron & Baroness “signs” are attached to the backs, out of view
from audience. First in line, during musical chairs, flips them into view.]
Cola enters, followed by Ballerina (He carries the “scroll”; she is writing
on her hand? with a quill), who is to assist him in writing his speech. He
sits down in one of the chairs.
Cola: (blah, blah, blah)… Yes, you see, my Dear, as I was saying… I’ve
been asked by the Baron himself to offer a special toast tonight at the
feast! So honored, I was, I can tell you to play such an important role in
this special Anniversary Celebration! Twenty-six years, I understand! I
must seem such a long time to you, but to me, the oldest man in the
barony (the oldest man still alive, that is), it doesn’t seem so long to me!
No matter, still an important day, nonetheless, isn’t it? What do you
think? Offer a little of the history of the barony in my speech? Ballerina,
have I thanked you enough for offering to help with this task?! You’ve
always been so much better with words than I…must be the dancer in
you, words just trip off your tongue!
[note: Cola could “doze off” a bit during this brief rambling, maybe
“tickled” awake with quill?]
… I remember well the early days of the barony! Such a to-do there was,
selecting the first Baron and Baroness…
(Franceschina’s whistle, and the parade that follows her, causes Cola to
jump out of his seat and move out of the way)
(musical chairs game, led by whistle)… players take cues from the song
being played.
[note: it takes 3 tries to get it right as various couples sit in the thrones;
the chairs are labeled with public restroom icons with crowns; ballerina
assists by handing out props, etc.]
1. too-doo, too-doo, too-doo… (someone stop her? The person behind
her slaps her on the back?)
[Baron] Capitano: The peasants are revolting! (throws pillow onto floor)
Ballerina: (says nothing; sits on the pillow, at Baron’s feet, as a
courtesan) puts pillow back and rejoins musical chairs game)
[Baroness] Arlecchino: Let them eat cake! Cake?!! Quickly, someone
bring me cake!! (Ballerina puts pillow back and rejoins all in the musical
chairs game)
2. Viking dirge
[Baron] Ballerina: (puts on Viking horns; says nothing, looks bored)
[Baroness] Violente: (pulls a knife) The sun is your enemy!! (uses knife
to do her nails)
3. Caidian measure
[Baron] Capitano (again!): (shrugs and makes a boastful motion) It’s all
in the wrist (or similar), really!
[Baroness] Flaminia: I would like to thank ALL my supporters!
Capitano: And I YOU!
Flaminia: Oh, yes, YOU!
Capitano: Again, YOU!
Flaminia: I insist! YOU!! (blah, blah, blah until interruption)
Cola: And so it went, until their successors took the thrones!
Ballerina douses them with a bucket of water; Arlecchino and
Franceschina “take” the thrones!
(one throne is carried out of sight; the other is positioned for Cola’s use)
Cola: Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the Good Old Days… wonderful,
peaceful time except, perhaps, for all the fighting!
4. Wagner! fight music (until Arlecchino steals the whistle)
(insert fighting bit here: Flaminia steals quill from Ballerina, who takes off
after her; Flaminia uses quill to tease Capitano, who is in a shoving
match with Violente; tickling his nose; Arlecchino steals whistle from
Franceschina, she chases him, he puts the whistle in Cola’s hand, she
strangles him when she catches him holding it, he tosses it in the battle;
Ballerina strangles Franceschina, to save Cola; Violente and Flaminia get
into a cat fight; Arlecchino and Capitano fist-fight in slow motion)
Cola: (now choking) What a mess it was! Everyone divided up sides,
then, for the Great War…
Violente: All right, you land lubbers! (fight scene freezes) Your ship has
come in! (all cheer!) Join the Navy! See the world! Men, form a line here!
YOU, (Arlecchino starts to come forward; but he chooses Flaminia) first!
Capitano: (shouts after them) You’ll swim with the fishes! (Flaminia
leaves the Navy side.) No, be ALL that you can be, in the Army!
(Arlecchino waves hand in the air; but he chooses Flaminia, who is now
available.)
Violente: You, there! (points to Franceschina) There is the boat!
Exciting and new! Come aboard, they’re expecting you!
Capitano: (picks up Franceschina’s whistle) Oh, look! This will melt
down PERFECTLY and make a sword…!
(he starts to give the whistle to Flaminia, but Franceschina leaves the
Navy to retrieve the whistle). (Arlecchino, now the only one clearly left,
confidently strides toward Violente, who nearly knocks him over as she
approaches Ballerina and Cola. Ballerina takes off, to prepare for King
entrance, Violente takes Cola by the ear)
Violente: (to Cola) You look a little bit under the weather! Don’t worry,
you’ll have your sea legs back in no time!
Cola: I can still see it clearly! It’s almost like it was yesterday! Or, today,
as a matter of fact (as Violente drags him away by the ear)….
Cola (still speaking):…the king (Ballerina) arriving to muster (mustard)
the troops…(Ballerina walks the line, applies yellow dot stickers)… the
body may fail me, but my mind’s eye remains sharp! (as Ballerina pushes
him into the line; she walks the line, everyone coughs, she applies a
sticker).
(Cola’s cough turns into a coughing fit, he leaves the line and returns to
his seat. Ballerina exits, removes crown, and rejoins him. She pats him
on the back to stop his coughing.)
Cola: Thank you, my dear! That’s much better now. It all went dark for a
minute there, and my memory is fuzzy. (touches his head) Mustard?
Colonial Mustard? Yes, at the hay bales…….. With duct tape?!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cola: No, no (correcting himself)… there was no war that year!
Everyone was sick, ah…..yes, sick…. It was an epidemic! Many, many
were sick…. (he rambles on… players react to his words, coughing,
maybe throwing up in a bucket provided by Ballerina, some falling the
ground, dead)
… Everyone sick, with love!! (players now change their actions, hugging,
twirling, kissing, maybe there are flowers in the bucket)
Cola: Yes, I recall! There were MANY weddings that year! In the barony,
alone, there were half a dozen weddings, six to Flaminia!
5. London bridge is falling down…
(Players form a double line and wedding “arch”; dance to music as
partners “marry”; Cola narrates, offering a quip for every couple that
advances in line.)
Cola: Franceschina never put that whistle down…
Arlecchino slept right through it all…
Capitano was all beak and no action…
Ballerina talked too much…
Capitano… maybe she could change him?…
Violente left on the next ship out…
_ _ _ _ _
Cola: What followed was a winter of discontent!….. (Players begin to
repeat a brawl scene)……
Cola: … There was no fighting events (players freeze) for three months!
Only feasts!! (disgruntled players, except for Arlecchino, exit; he sits
down on the ground beside the basket, pulls out a sausage and a
tankard…) Oh, yeah!! The toast!!
Arlecchino: (yells to players) WET SITE!! (they come running in to join
him, with tankards)
Cola: I have it!! I offer a toast (stands, faces B & B)…. To the fine Barony
of Le Poulet de la mer!!
ALL: Chicken of the Sea?!! NO!!! Happy Anniversary, to the Barony of
Lyondemere! (raise glasses to toast)
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